An unusual meeting. I straighten my posture and pull my shoulders back. One deep breath after another, trying to collect the words stirring in my mind. I am here to pay my respect. To listen and to learn from someone I never in my wildest dreams I thought to meet in this lifetime. Nothing and nobody could have prepared me for this moment. It’s not me who will start this conversation, it’s her. I lean back in my chair and observe. Her presence fills the room. Imagine a light flooding the room, reaching every crack and corner in the space we find ourselves in. I am here to pay my respect. And so I sit and listen.

Doubt, my old friend, I watch you as you come crawling in and make yourself comfortable in my mind as if it was the return to your home after a long day at work. You know you don’t live here anymore, there is nothing left for you here. When I ask you to leave, you just grin at me. “One cannot bargain with the devil”, you hiss through your sharp teeth. I point towards the door, but you stay seated in the sofa that has memorized your shape and form from all the times you have been here before. I don’t want to fight anymore, my body is tired. My muscles are sore, my bones hurt. I put down my sword, not because I am a coward. Not out of defeat. I did all I needed to do. I paid my price. I put down my sword to surrender.

“You do not belong here anymore, but your shadow will forever remind me of your past presence in this house. Your shadow will remind me of your painful lessons, the permanent mark you left on my flesh like a pink scar, the imprint you left on my path where my footsteps trace back the journey, the echoes and whispers that linger in the hallway when everything is dark and still at night. Your lessons weren’t merciful, they were suffering.

But even in the darkest hour, as you face the lesson, you are in control over the lens you are choosing to look through and see the truth. Surrendering, not because I am a coward. Not because I am weak. Not because I lost my faith. No. To surrender, because it is the bravest thing I have ever done and the greatest thing I will ever do.

My old friend, I do not fear you. I do not abhor you. I meet you with love, although you haven’t shared the same intentions for me. I meet you with love, because it’s where your garden lacked watering the most. Without the darkness, we would never know the beauty of the light. My old friend, do not worry, I will not forget you. Your shadows will be my eternal reminder that our paths once crossed. Before you leave, remember to bring my love with you wherever you go next. It will not soften you, but it will guide you. The next soul that crosses paths with you and meets your sharp teeth may even encrypt your truth quicker than mine did.” The cool draft that dances through the room is response enough. One last dance with the devil.